In Bed With the Sex Professor

 

Low sex drive, speedy (or elusive) orgasms – common problems are often the most frustrating ones. Professor Debby Herbenick tackles them here

GOING LONG“I’ve tried everything, but I still last only a few minutes during sex.” You can control yourself, but it takes a bit of practice. The stop-start and squeeze techniques – which involve stimulating yourself until just before orgasm and then backing off or gently squeezing the head of your penis – are effective for many men. Work on your mental game too: when you recognise what your body does before orgasm, you can relax, slow down and refocus. During sex, counter your anxiety with deep breaths, slow kisses and long strokes, all of which can help calm you and amp up her arousal.

MAKING THE MOVE“After two years of dating, we’re having less sex.” Bad news: it happens, it’s normal and men rarely like it. You’re not stuck, though. Find activities that involve touching, to increase the intimacy she needs in order to be aroused. Learn tango, partner yoga or climb a rock wall together. Cook a meal, trade massages, bathe together or rent a movie with a hot sex scene. Creativity works. Also, watch for possible desire killers. Stress and lack of sleep are bad. Prescription meds and birth-control pills can also hurt. A healthy lifestyle is the best set-up for a healthy sex drive, so find ways to stay fit as a team.

THE EQUIPMENT“I’m using condoms with my new girlfriend, but I can’t stay erect.” Don’t blame the condoms. Maybe you became used to sex with someone who was totally into you, which can be arousing in ways that fumbling sex with someone new isn’t. Your body and mind are readjusting. So help them along. Linger on foreplay, which can make your erection easier to maintain. Then ask her to put the condom on you, which gives you the chance to watch and touch her – because, hey, she’s the one who will keep your erection going. Heck, if you’re using a condom, why not also try a vibrating ring? It anchors the condom in place, and its targeted stimulation can make it easier for her to reach orgasm. Plus, at low levels, vibration can boost men’s erections.

THE HOME STRETCH“My girlfriend can’t orgasm during sex, but says it’s not a big deal.” Don’t sweat it. Many women reach their thirties without ever having had an orgasm. They just haven’t found what works for them. Sex isn’t really designed to stimulate her clitoris, and only some positions effectively stimulate the G-spot. So let her know you’re open to learning new ways to make sex more pleasurable. (But don’t push. It’s true that not all women care whether they have an orgasm during sex, but she’ll definitely care if you’re hung up on it.) Read more at www.mh.co.za

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